Give Clear Instructions
When you make a request, your light is GREEN and children are given the signal to “GO” and complete a task. When they listen, make their efforts pay off by providing praise, attention, smiles, etc. This will get them GO-ing, and they will eventually learn that the sooner they follow your request, the sooner they can get back to playing and having fun.
Stay Calm
When we get upset, kids feel unsafe and go into fight or flight. In their effort to defend themselves or to fight back, they become LESS effective at listening, and lose sight of our message. If your priority is getting everyone in the car, don’t waste time and energy lecturing them about why they didn’t listen to you and get ready when you first asked. That will just make everyone more upset, including you. Take a deep breath, help her find her shoe and help him on with his backpack. Once you’re in the car, you can ask them to help you brainstorm ways to get everyone out of the house on time next time. (Hint: That conversation will be more productive if you focus on solutions, not blame.)
When You Can, Use a Single Word
This doesn’t work all of the time, but the main idea is “less is more.” Your children will almost always understand what’s expected of them, so use a single command they can follow instead of lots of words that give them permission to tune out. A simple, “Shoes!” or “Teeth!” or “Plates!” will oftentimes be enough for them to act.
Give Them a Choice
This might make you cringe, but let your child choose differently; even when you know it won’t go well. This also helps you keep your cool by removing the pressure that comes with forcing your child to comply. For example, if you’ve asked your child to eat their vegetables and they won’t, then simply enact the consequences that stem from their not listening. Once they see their choices have consequences outside of “mom and dad get mad,” they may start to change their tune.
Set up routines
Most of parents’ communication to kids consists of nagging. No wonder children don’t listen. The solution? Routines, so there are fewer opportunities for power struggles and less need for you to be a drill sergeant. Routines are just regular habits, like what the kids do before they leave the house (brush teeth, use toilet, pack backpack, put on shoes, etc.) If you take photos of your child doing these tasks and put them onto a small poster, your child will learn them over time. Put her in charge of what she needs to do. She’ll have a new skill, more mastery, and your role will be limited to asking questions:
Give Age-Appropriate Commands
Especially when they’re little, be aware of what you’re asking your child to do and make sure it’s age-appropriate. A 2-year-old cannot clean their room, and a 4-year-old still may not fully comprehend the concept of time. Make sure they can follow through on your instructions, and help them if they can’t.
State Your Expectations
Especially when kids are engrossed in another activity or don’t want to do what you’re asking, stating expectations early is a good idea. Setting timers or giving quick reminders help your kid slowly disconnect from what they’re doing and prepare for a transition. If they know you’re leaving in 15 minutes or that bedtime is in 20, they’re less likely to ignore you when you need them to act.
State Commands Positively
“No,” “Stop,” “Quit,” and “Don’t do that,” are all phrases that get tuned out pretty fast. It will take some practice, but replace these easy-to-shout phrases with more positive commands. Instead of, “Stop running,” try, “Slow down.” Instead of, “Stop that,” try, “Sit on your bottom.”
Be Physically Present
Shouting commands (even well-worded ones) from across the house is the kid equivalent of getting a strongly worded email … it’s completely ignorable. When you’re asking something from your child, be in the room and make good eye contact. That may also require stepping in front of a TV screen or turning your child so they’re facing you.
Reward Listening
Make sure your little one knows, feels, and understands that listening is rewarded. That will look different for every child, but speak to their love language when they practice good listening.
Make Sure You Mean It
When it comes to teaching your kids to listen and do what you ask, the most important thing you can do as a parent is to follow through.
Kids are quick. If you ask your child to clean their room but clean it yourself when they don’t act, you reinforce that they don’t need to listen to your requests because (ultimately) the request doesn’t matter. Or if you promise consequences for not listening but don’t enforce them, your child learns that there are no consequences for not listening.
So no matter the reason for their lack of motivation to listen, make sure you are doing your part as the parent and following through on your age-appropriate requests and the consequences for not listening to them.
If both of those things happen, your child will eventually learn that it’s much easier to listen the first time you ask.