No parent wants to see their child upset, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to react when your child is nervous or afraid. Do you hug them? Do you let them cry it out? There’s so much conflicting advice out there! Next time you’re faced with reacting to your nervous or fearful child, try these tried and true tips on how to comfort them.
Fear is a big emotion for anyone to handle, and that’s especially so for children. It can be really hard for parents to see their children afraid, but parents can quickly wear out when their child’s fear drastically interferes with daily routines and activities.
So how can parents help their children when they’re afraid? Here are some things caregivers can do before, during, and after something scary shows up.
Common Fears
The list of things people can be afraid of has no end. Your child’s may not be on these lists, but here are some of the most frequent fears that children have, broken down by age.
- Ages 0-2: Strangers, unfamiliar settings, loud noises, objects coming toward them
- Ages 2-3: The dark, thunder, shadows, being separated from parents, changes to routine, potty training
- Ages 3-4: Animals (snakes, spiders, stinging bugs, dogs, etc.), bad dreams, recalling scary images
- Ages 4-5: Disappointing parents/teachers, getting sick or hurt, monsters in the closet or under the bed
As you can see, the fears kids have get more “sophisticated” as they get older. Babies are afraid of tangible things, toddlers start being afraid of the intangible, and pre-K kids become afraid of the future or imaginary things. Keep that in mind as you work with the fears within your own family — your baby probably isn’t afraid of the dark as much as they are an unfamiliar setting or being separated from you.
How to Help: Before
It may seem odd, but there is a lot you can do to preemptively keep certain common fears from being issues at all.
Using the list in the previous section, parents can begin to introduce their toddlers to potentially scary topics before they ever become an issue. Take the “mystery” out of the scary thing altogether by explaining that thunder can’t hurt them because it’s just the boom that comes after lightning. Or sharing that bees are often very gentle and, as long as we don’t bother them, they won’t bother us. That way, when your child has an experience with the thing that could be scary, they have an understanding of what that object or animal is. Suddenly, it’s not so scary.
This works with relation-based fears, too. Have your small child or baby interact with a stranger from the security of your arms or lap. Put your child down, walk out of eyesight, and then come right back. All of these activities show your child that they are safe and that mom, dad, or someone they love is always nearby when they need them.
How to Help: During
Despite all your efforts to get ahead of scary things, there will almost certainly be something that frightens your child. They may understand that stinging insects only sting when they feel threatened, but that probably won’t matter much to your child when they get stung by one. Or maybe one scary TV show or movie gets through your screening process, and now you’ve got a kindergartner who won’t sleep in their room by themselves.
Whatever the situation, here are some tips to keep in mind when you’re first addressing a new fear.
- Listen without judgment. Listening to your child about what they’re afraid of is easier said than done. That’s because kids can’t always articulate exactly what they are afraid of. Or they could be afraid of something that you think is silly. (Frogs? What’s scary about frogs?) Remember to stop, listen, and ask questions before trying to solve problems. “When we’re parents, we’re using our wonderful parent brain and we’re solving it [the problem] too quickly for our kid.” So really try to listen and understand where the fear is coming from before jumping into fix-it mode.
- Include them in solving the problem. Instead of declaring how your child will manage their fear, ask them to help come up with some solutions. If they’re afraid of monsters under the bed, ask them what will chase the monsters away. Is it a night light? A magic spell that makes them disappear? A stuffed animal that will keep them safe? Including your child in finding a solution will help them address the fear with more confidence and a greater sense of control.
- Stay calm. Some fears will unfold before your very eyes. If a child is stung or bitten by an animal, watches something scary, or becomes separated from a parent, that incident could be the origin of a future fear. Be calm, loving, and supportive in the moment. Make them feel safe, and let them know they aren’t in any danger with you there. The last thing you want is to add the fuel of hysteria to the fear fire.
- Don’t dwell on it. It’s critically important to validate your child’s fear response … however, it’s equally as important to not dwell on the incident or the fear too much. The goal is to minimize the amount of headspace their fear takes up. Constantly talking about it or overly reassuring your child does the exact opposite.
Don’t Get Impatient
Not knowing how to help can be hard and frustrating for parents, but don’t let those emotions show. Your child can sense how you’re feeling. Revealing your emotions could make your child feel like they’ve upset you, increase their nervousness, and make communicating more difficult. Try to set an example of how to react calmly to help your child feel calmer, as well.
Watch Your Reactions
Last but not least, do a bit of self-reflection and see if the fears you have are affecting your kids. If your anxieties are unchecked, they can easily rub off on your children. Or as your kids age, they’ll begin to see when you aren’t practicing what you preach as it relates to fears and anxieties.
None of this means that you have to be fearless. All it means is that you as the parent also follow the process you expect your children to walk through when it comes to handling fears. It’s uncomfortable and hard to do, but your honest and brave approach to what makes you scared will do wonders when it comes to your child’s desire to overcome theirs.
As always, being a parent is an exercise in patience and humility. But in the end, the way you treat your fears will be the best example your child can look to as they navigate what makes them scared. And there won’t be anything holding them back if they also know they can come to you and talk about anything that’s making them nervous or scared.